A New Chapter in Buffalo

Wow, so I haven’t posted since I moved here to Buffalo for college. A lot of shit has happened. I barely get time for myself. I actually don’t like it that much here because I feel like everyone here is fake or bitchy. I wasn’t expecting myself to enjoy my time here anyway because I always wanted to go to California for college. But for now, I’ll just have to deal with it.

I’ve gained a bit of weight since I got here. I skyped with my friends back at home and they all said that my face got rounder. The food here is so disgusting and greasy. I’m breaking out so much too. I hate it.

Rush week was the first 2-3 weeks and apparently, a few girls were trying to hunt me down and recruit me. They knew me already, but I didn’t even know them. Awkward. But anyways, my friends and I went to a few frat parties at the beginning and the guys got drunk lmao. It was actually pretty funny because at one party, they all started screaming and one of them confessed to me. He was hugging me from behind and everything while I was sitting on the chair. It was weird, but I personally found it really funny. Then I saw that another one of my friends got drunk, so I had to watch over him for awhile. My ex-boss from SYEP is in the frat and he saw me at the party with two different guys hugging me each time. It was pretty awkward because he just looked at me with a weird face haha. But it’s all good. We all had a good time. And for the first time, I wasn’t the first down. I was perfectly sober. The next morning, the guy who confessed to me was so guilty and out of it. He came up to me to apologize, which I also found very funny because it wasn’t even anything serious. All he did was confess and he was drunk, so I didn’t even remember it too much. Silly guys.

I also set off the fire alarm with my friend when we lit up a cake with 18 candles because it was my friend/roomie’s birthday. I told the manager of the dining hall that I was getting cake, so he knew that I was getting one. Can’t blame me when I told you about it and you approved. He was nice about it though, unlike the bitches in our building who sarcastically wished my friend a happy birthday and gave attitudes. One of them even said, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would’ve smashed the cake in her face.” Well guess what? I don’t give a fuck because I thought it was funny and I had fun. And if you did smash the cake, I would’ve made you fucking lick it off. I have no problem being a bitch to you if you’re a bitch to me. That’s what I’m good at anyway, according to my friends and what I know about myself.

I really do hate the people in my building. They’re just not as friendly as the others in the other buildings. One time, this girl took out my clothes from the dryer and put it on top of another dryer. I don’t have a problem with that because I do that too when people are taking too long to come down to pick up their laundry. But I do have a problem when you take it out and you feel that it’s not dry yet. Are you retarded? Or just selfish? I think both. What made it worse was that you took out one of my load of clothes and put it in ANOTHER dryer, so it made me think that I lost my clothes. Now that’s just retarded. Why would you do that? Why can’t you use the other dryer then? Fucking dumb blondes. I asked her if she saw any clothes in the dryer before she used it and she said, “Oh no, the door was already opened and empty when I came down.” Really, bitch, really? You’re the one using it so obviously you took it out. And she was fucking with me because I realized I lost a flat when I came upstairs, so I went down three times to find it and it showed up next to the machine the third time. My friends even saw that it wasn’t there before. I let it go this time because afterall, we all live in the same building and I don’t like tension. But I did find out that she lives in the room next to me, so she better sleep with her eyes open if she pisses me off one more time.

Later on, my friend/roomie introduced me to her friend. It was actually so that I can meet her friend’s cousin because she thought he was more of my type. But ironically, I found her friend more attractive and eventually, we had a “thing.” Unfortunately, we both have kind of the same personality, where neither of us shows we care unless we know the other person does… or at least that’s just me. Why? Because it sucks to know that you care so much when the other person doesn’t. It’s always like that with me and it’s not a good feeling. I’m tired of showing how much I care and how much effort I put into it and knowing that you don’t give a shit. So, we never really ended things between us. We just stopped talking and seeing each other. I guess that’s the end of it… nothing new anyway. Everytime I have something with a guy, that’s how it ends. No surprise there.

The only thing that really kept me happy was when my best friend came to visit us and because it was one of our friend’s birthdays. I was just eating at the dining hall, until one of my friends walked in and behind her was a big guy. I was staring at him for about 5 seconds. I was in shock. I had no idea who it was until 5 seconds later. I got up, ran, and jumped on him. My shorts flew up a bit, but I didn’t care. I missed him so much. That weekend was a good weekend. We went out to eat and explored Buffalo late at night like idiots. It’s been awhile since I’ve truly laughed, though I gotta admit that it’s a bit creepy here at night.

Then another one of my friends introduced me to his friend who thought I was cute. It took awhile because they came over to my room twice, but each time I was either busy or I just finished showering. Wrong timing. Then my friend invited me to go play pool with them because they were short one person, so I went with my friends too. When I got there, I saw the guy on his phone the whole time and I also found out from my friend that he just broke up with his girlfriend. What was I supposed to do then? He seemed depressed, so I didn’t show any interest.

Eventually, we finally “met” when my friend invited me over to their room to watch a movie. We started talking and I remember playing games on the iPod on his roomie’s bed with him. I thought it was cute because he had his arms over me while I was laying down playing. Then that same night, we went to the terrace to play hide and seek at 3AM. I was actually pretty tired, but I wanted to see what this guy was like, so I played too. I noticed that he was a very caring guy. I was scared to hide by myself because our terrace is pretty big. So when one person was counting while we had to go hide, he grabbed me and told me to go hide with him. We hid behind the stairs and nobody found us, so we won. Then I had to be the seeker and I was a little scared because I didn’t wanna find everyone alone, especially because two random guys were trying to talking to me while we were playing. But luckily, I was allowed to pick someone to seek with me. It took awhile, but it was fun that night. I finally got to meet the guy who I also had interest in.

I don’t remember how, but then we started hanging out alone. I found this guy to be really cute and adorable. We talked about the types of people we were into and I realized that he was the kind that I wanted. Not to sound cocky or overconfident, but I honestly also noticed that the type of girl that he was into was just like me ―spontaneous, caring, corny, needy, adventurous, etc. He listed too many qualities for me to remember them all. But the whole time, I was trying to see if I fit into any of those categories. I know, it’s sad :(

I really do like this guy, but lately, I’ve been feeling insecure and just….. wrong. He just got out of a relationship with his girlfriend, who he’s been with for quite awhile now. He met me after that, but still. My friends and roomies have been warning me, telling me to just make sure that I’m not a rebound. Hearing that doesn’t make me feel any better. And knowing that the only reason why he broke up with her was because of the distance and he can’t make time for her, doesn’t make it better either. If I was him, I would miss her, and I don’t blame him for that. The other day, he got a package from his now ex-girlfriend and seeing that he was so excited about it made me think that he still misses her a lot. After being with someone for so long, you don’t just lose feelings like that, which is what’s making me question why we have a little something already. We’re not official or anything, but we do see each other and whatnot. I don’t know. The things I don’t know is what’s bothering me.

Yesterday, I knew that something was wrong because the way we were talking to each other was just different. So I texted him at night and said that I was sorry if I said or did something wrong. He said that nothing was wrong and I shouldn’t be apologizing. But either way, I just couldn’t fall asleep. The next day, everything seemed fine but then it got weird again at night. So he told me to go over after I showered. I wanted to talk about it, but he acted like nothing was wrong. So what can I do? I didn’t wanna bring it up if he didn’t wanna talk about it. So we just watched “Flash Forward” and cuddled at night.

Everything seems fine, but there’s just something that’s bothering me. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I think it’s because of the package. I mean, he told me when I met him that she sent him something, but I just didn’t expect it to be so much stuff. She sent him pants, boxers, socks, candy, and a stuffed animal. She also wrote him a letter. I obviously don’t know what it says, but since it was him who broke up with her , I would expect it to be something sweet. If my ex-boyfriend sent me something like that, I would definitely miss him at least a little bit, especially if the reason for breaking up wasn’t even for fading feelings. It was just distance. I could tell that he still loves her. I guess that’s what’s bothering me because I feel like I’m just a rebound. He wants someone to cuddle with at night. And knowing that he bought her a plane ticket before they broke up to come visit him two weeks from now doesn’t help. We also talked about that. I said that I wouldn’t be comfortable seeing him if she was here. Is that my fault? Am I supposed to act normal when she’s here? I wouldn’t be jealous or anything, but I think I’d be a little upset. Can you blame me? Do you expect me to act like nothing happened? I know we aren’t an official couple, but we do things that are practically like a couple. I don’t know what to do… or what to feel. Because I just feel like I’m wrong.

No wonder why parents try to keep their children away from being in relationships during school. It’s actually hard to concentrate, let alone sleep at night, when problems occur, even if it’s just the little things.

Oh college, what have you done to me?

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  1. nostalgisomnia posted this